I’ve spent the last two days holed up in coffee shops forcing myself to be around people and using public wifi to look for new jobs. Because I want to be candid about challenges as well as successes, I’ll admit that these “adventures” were more anxiety-producing than anything else I’ve done so far.

Maybe it’s because of the two-day lapse in my medication or maybe my social anxiety has been compounded by residual work stress (hence the job search). I tried focusing on more enjoyable tasks (watching funny videos, reading mindfulness blogs, etc.) to self-soothe but was either already anxious (day one) or felt anxious about not being “productive” (day two). Either way, this has felt like a setback, as I haven’t been this anxious just to leave my apartment since before I really started getting treatment.
To put it simply, I’ve gotten much more anxious as I’ve gotten older; that has made me feel like I’m retrogressing, the exact opposite of my goal to always be growing and moving forward. When I was in college, I moved to and studied abroad in France without knowing a single person in the entire country. So why do I struggle now, 6 years later, to walk half a mile down the street to get coffee by myself? It’s extremely frustrating and restarts the oh-so-familiar cycle of self-loathing, further anxiety, and depression.

Fortunately, I’ve gotten out of this cycle before so I know it’s possible, albeit not easy. It’s pretty cliche, but I keep reminding myself of the analogy of an arrow – it has to be pulled back to be able to go forward. So here’s to being gentle with myself for today and to moving forward.